Tollbooth Muse

So I'm just gonna do a short little listing, maybe fill in more details later b/c of time constraints now, but I keep pushing this off so if I don't do it now it'll never get done:

WEEK 1
Monday 6/1: Arrive in Berlin, have issues finding a phone card, get semi-settled in Midrasha
Tuesday 6/2: Go to school for opening stuff, meet other people in the program, get my subway and cafeteria card
Wednesday 6/3: Got our site as Tempelhof, the site of the Berlin Airlift; LONG lecture session, although Rolo (the guy speaking) was really good; productive brainstorming session; unhappily discovered that I can eat about 3 things (literally!) in the cafeteria
Thursday 6/4: More lecture, more notes, not so much brainstorming, trip to Tempelhof to get a sense of the site
Friday 6/5: missed the trip to Eberswalde in the morning, went to Dessau w/ everyone in the afternoon to see a really cool building but only stayed an hour b/c I left early for Shabbat
Shabbat 6/6: Two American girls stayed at the Misrasha for Shabbat b/c they are probably going to be madrichot there next year; finally met the Kerns, the people who put me in touch with the Midrasha; overall, a very nice shabbos

WEEK 2
Sunday 6/7: Went on a Midrasha trip to this castle, which was really cool; had an awesome midnight bike ride to the Brandenburg Gate
Monday 6/8: Some lecture in the morning, which I couldn't understand b/c it was in German; trying to determine the ultimate goal of our class (which we didn't really get a straight answer to, ahem...); thinking about Berlin as a city with a Medeterranian climate b/c that's how it'll be with global warming; lecture at night by the competition winner for Berlin's contest for what to do with Tempelhof.
Tuesday 6/9: A lot of lecture; posting up our collages of other city plans into the Tempelhof site to get ideas for what would work/wouldn't work; interesting lecture about climate change at night; frustration about food and the difficulty of getting things (b/c stores close early, I'm in class all day, and not much is open sunday) here and the fact that no one takes traveler's checks; also realized I cracked a tooth at about 1 a.m.
Wednesday 6/10: Meeting with Michal Lafond in the morning, interesting discussion; forum at the British Embassy in the afternoon with excellent speakers and discussion; late night at the school to get an intro to Revit; still haven't found an AmEx office to cash my checks with hopefully no obscene fees
Thursday 6/11: Studio work in the morning; left school early b/c I finally found an English-speaking dentist, and it turns out that b/c I cracked my tooth in the corner there's nothing to attach to (to cover it)...so since it doesn't hurt, the dentist just polished the tooth so it wouldn't be a sharp edge, and I just keep it clean; also went to the learning last night at the Midrasha, which was nice :)
Friday 6/12: Getting ready for a presentation of our concept today, which I'm nervous about b/c I don't have too much to show. Going to Chabad for Shabbat, and now I have to go b/c I'm supposed to be working o my project instead of on LJ ;)

So...this winter break I went on a 3 week trip to Israel, the first week of which was volunteering with Hillel's Alternative Break. I did one of these last year, in New Orleans, and loved it, so I was psyched to do one in Israel. I met a lot of great people on the trip, and I was incredibly happy to be helping people (and to see the gratitude on their faces), but there were also a lot of people politics on the trip that were incredibly frustrating to me. I don't understand why some people felt the need to be catty, or others seemed to expect everyone else to be mind readers. I was also annoyed that some people were just sitting around for a chunk of the time, because it was made clear before the trip that there would be a lot of physical labor. And I'm annoyed that all of this annoys me, because it detracts from the really wonderful people I did meet, who were eager to work and just have fun.

After the week of volunteering, I stayed with family in Chashmona'im (NW of Jerusalem, just over the green line), which was amazing. I traveled a lot to Jerusalem, shopping and finally going to the shuk (ope-air market). I got to dance at the wedding of a friend who had made aliyah about 3 years ago, and was ecstatic to see her and my other friends that I haven't seen in 3 years. I hadn't realized how much I missed them...

The situation in Gaza also heated up when I was there, and being there during a situation made me see things differently; it's a lot easier to be moderate when you're 5000 miles away, but that's a luxury. I saw what it was like to live on the fly, to have your plans changed- your friends' plans changed- instantly and scramble to make new ones. To be afraid to visit soldiers in the hospital because they were in a town that was being hit by rockets. To argue with friends on Facebook because they see only the outside news. It's so different seeing from the inside...it was like a lot of the world was condemning Israel, but I couldn't bring myself to agree that Israel was wrong for defending her citizens, finally responding to the rockets that had been coming for years.

So something changed in me during this time; I'm not sure what exactly, and I think it will take years to full absorb, but it feels odd to just come back to my life when I feel so different.

Being back to school is alright; I like all of my teachers (so far), so that's good. I hope this semester will be more manageable since I have only four classes, but since I'll hopefully get a job and have to run a club, I'll probably be just as crazy as ever. Ah, well, I had a great vacation, so it seems fair that now it's time to work. I'm a little nervous for the group project the whole semester- I know group work is important, I just hope my partner and I don't end up wanting to kill each other. So, to that end, I guess I'll get off LJ and do that work I've been procrastinating.

Most of the time, being an Orthodox Jew (even a modern one) entails a lot of...STUFF. Annoying, difficult, have-to-make-a-special-case-out-of-yourself stuff. But these past 2 days were a really joyous holiday, and I loved it because it just showed me how beautiful Judaism can be.

For Simchat Torah (where we celebrate completing the reading of the entire Torah), there were all these people just singing and dancing together for hours. I didn't know most of them, but that didn't matter because we were all just celebrating together- I can't describe how joyful it was. I got to hold a Torah, which is amazing, and really special b/c women don't usually do that.

So I really have to get back to my schoolwork, but I'm just on a high from this, and I'm so HAPPY. I know we fight a lot, and we certainly have issues sticking to just one opinion, but I really understood what it is to just love Jews for no reason- and even if it's just for a little bit, it was incredible and I'm so happy to have experienced it.

I think I'm going crazy.

On one hand, I'm ridiculously optimistic about humanity- I get giddy sometimes, thinking about those incredible moments when you see something beautiful in another person that you never imagined could be there, or when you realize how much you can learn from that person's example.

On the other hand, we humans are screwed up. I have seen people pull back from those they love, deny the truth that would ultimately help them, manipulate and push buttons to escape change, and just generally hurt others despite the fact that they love them.

I want to believe that there is this one, incredible, undeniable, passionate love out there for everyone, but what if people change? What if what began as beautiful and pure begins to wither and twist into something ugly and painful?

Love always seems exciting and wonderful from a distance- and I think it is. But it's also dangerous, because it leaves you vulnerable. It seems like every day now I'm torn between believing it's worth it, and being convinced that you're better off alone.

So….I started writing this a couple of weeks ago, but never finished and posted it. From July 27- August 5, I participated in a Habitat for Humanity trip to South Dakota, and I am just blown away by everything I found there. It was fun to do some physical construction, but honestly, the most valuable part was all the people I got to know; I saw a sign at Wall Drug (a famous drug store around there) that seemed to characterize the experience perfectly. It said: “The finest things in life are the friends along the way.” Between meeting Jerry (the guy in charge), Ted (our “supervisor”), the family, and just joking around with all the other honors people who went on the trip…I feel like I’ve learned and grown so much just by spending time with them all.

Since there is SO much to write, I’m gonna go in chronological order. And I know it's really long, but we did a lot and I learned a lot, so I wanted to share:

SUNDAY- Left from LaGuardia at 10:30 a.m., had a layover in Denver, arrived in Rapid City late afternoon, began to travel to Timber Lake, had car trouble, waited 3 hours for the guys to show up w/ a new car, stayed overnight at a motel.

MONDAY- woke up and set out pretty early, met Jerry for the first time over lunch, finally arrived at Timber Lake and unloaded all our stuff there, visited the work site for maybe an hour and moved a few things, went back to the basement where we were staying, ate dinner and slept. The place we stayed was okay- it was a community center that was used for bible classes, so there was a lot of Christian stuff. In the girls’ room, there was a crucifix and a Mary, and there was a biblical table of elements and a Mary in the outside room; since there were so many girls that some of us were going to move our cots to the main room, I chose that option; at least that room didn’t have a crucifix, those things scare me (maybe if I was raised a Christian, it wouldn’t….I dk why, but crosses are fine, it’s just crucifixes that freak me out)

TUESDAY- spent most of the day on one of the gutters; ended early to visit Jerry’s ranch, which included seeing his buffalo up close, swimming in his lake, and staying for dinner. It was really great to visit there- first of all, he’s got this HUFE property- it’s like 6 miles by 18 miles, and he owns it w/ two of his sons. We got to see the buffalo up close, but stayed in the truck; Jerry told us that they looked calm, but that if he would try to approach, they’d gore him in an instant. Swimming in the lake was so peaceful. I’m used to swimming more in pools than natural bodies of water, so it was a really nice experience.

WEDNESDAY- a more productive day, with some people working on the gutter and some working inside to frame windows; I myself did a bit of both. And again, we left a bit early so we could do a sweat lodge with Jerry. The sweat lodge was, without a doubt, the highlight of the trip. We did it with this Christian youth group that was also there are the time (Jerry likes to mix the groups, so he did 2 rounds in the sweat lodge- one with all the girls and then all the guys). The sweat lodge was a spiritual experience, although native American religion is more humanistic than authoritarian, so it’s not like “one God, you all have to pray to this specific one,” it’s more like “we’re all here together, so let’s share this prayer.” Obviously, we sweated quite a bit, but it felt very cleansing, and not disgusting at all. The kids in the youth group had known each other for awhile, so their prayers were very personal and emotional; I think that their willingness to be so open made the experience really meaningful. I find it hard to describe the feeling exactly, but I will say that it was a beautiful experience, and if anyone has the chance to do one, I highly recommend it.

THURSDAY- finished framing the windows; had an unproductive morning b/c we were waiting for Jerry to bring the paint rollers (we amused ourselves by hanging out and playing tag). When he did bring them, we started painting- we had to do a second coat on the ceilings, and when my group was finished with our smaller room, we went outside to talk, leaving the boys to do the main rooms. I felt a little bad relaxing while the boys were working, but sometimes it’s those bonding moments that are just as important as the physical work. Like, during that conversation, I got to explain some Jewish stuff to other people in the group; and I felt really good about that, because there are so many misconceptions floating around, and a lack of understanding often breeds a lack of respect. I feel like when the reasoning behind certain laws/rituals are explained, they seem a little less strange and irrational, and people begin to respect them more. And I also learned some interesting things about Chinese and Russin culture- so I was really glad to have hat conversation. That night, we had dinner with the family and the other group, and then went with them to the Timber Lake museum. It was nice, informative…I bought a pair of earrings, the first of many that I would really like.

FRIDAY- last day on the site! I went to the hardware store with Jerry and two of the other girls- it was fun to take a little trip, and we stopped by Sitting Bull’s grave on the way back. When we got back to the site, we discovered that our group had made a doggy friend- he joined us for lunch. Afterwards, we moved around heaters and marked where they should go. The saddest part was leaving b/c not only were we leaving the house, but the dog chased after the cars for a little bit. :(

SHABBOS- shabbos was mostly sleeping, which was definitely necessary considering the amount of mosquito bites I had and the massive allergic reaction my body was having to them. On Friday night, most of the group went to a pow wow in N. Dakota while I had a quiet dinner w/ one of our advisors. On Saturday, the group went to the lake and a rodeo, while I ate, read, and slept. It was kind of frustrating to not be able to go with everyone, but I was so glad to sleep. And prayer was interesting- I prayed outside (b/c I was NOT praying with the Mary in the corner), except I wasn’t allowed to carry outside according to the laws of Shabbos. So I designated my advisors as “Shabbos goys” and arranged with them beforehand to bring a chair and my siddur (prayer book) outside. It was really nice to pray there- really pretty- but I had to swat away/shake off bugs every second, so now I really appreciate a synagogue and it’s whole “providing an inside” thing. On Saturday night, we had a bonfire, which was really fun. There was this crazy thunderstorm late at night, with hail and lots of thunder- it was kind of scary, but at least we were staying in a basement.

SUNDAY- yay, we started touring! But it was sad to leave :(. We drove quite a bit on sunday- through the badlands, which may be “Bad Lands [to Cross],”  but they are goegeoys lands to look at. We stopped at a lot of scenic spots, hiked a bit, did some shopping- overall, a full and fully enjoyable day. We ended at Wall Drug, where ice water is free and coffee is only 5 cents a cup; it’s kind of like an indoor mall, but more country. The place the group ate at was really pretty, but, as with every other one, it was incredibly frustrating to sit in a restaurant and bring your food cause you can’t eat anything, while everyone else just orders food like it’s no big deal. I really tried not to let this bother me too much, cause all it can really lead to is me being whiny and going “oh, poor little me,” but honestly, this was the most frustrating aspect of the trip. The car delays, the mosquito bites- all those things were annoying, but we all just rolled with the punches together; the restaurants always made me feel really isolated.

MONDAY- more touring, except we did much more driving than walking. We went through Custer Park, saw lots of animals, saw lots and LOTS of bikers, and then went to crazy horse and mt. rushmore- and honestly, except for when the veterans stood up, crazy horse was a lot more impressive. But then we went back to our rooms and began packing- NOT!. We all went to the boys’ room to sign a massive “card” (a picture; we signed the back) for our advisors, and put our birthdays and other funny stuff on calendars to give them. I also sang a couple of songs for my roommates (“At the Beginning” was in my head almost half this trip! I just had to get it out), and it reminded me that I need to get my butt up and get on a stage soon, because I really enjoy performing.

TUESDAY- travel day- ick. We presented the gifts at breakfast, and our I think they were really happy. And they were good advisors- they weren’t too picky with the rules, so the atmosphere was relaxed, but they still asserted that they were in charge. And then it was a looong day of traveling. I did a little karaoke for my two Russian girlies in the world’s tiniest airport, and then we were in Denver for a layover, and then onto NY…although I did make a friend on the way back, too. I don’t know what it is, my seatmates on airplanes seem to want to talk to me.

So….now that I’ve been back in new york, I’ve been thinking a few things. One, I would LOVE to stay another week or so in SD. But on the more realistic side….it’s never gonna happen. Partly b/c of kosher reasons, partly b/c I simply cannot stand to be in a place where you have to drive everywhere. But I still miss hearing just the wind in the trees.

For all the anger,
all the hurt,
for lack of control,
for feeling unsure

For being unsound,
with one foot out the door,
and then turning around
to begin once more

For the pain in my eardrums-
these screams are so loud,
they reverberate inside
and they won’t quiet down

For all the immaturity
and avoidance tactics,
the selfish way
to hide from answering

For the tears I cry,
the worry I feel,
the character that’s damaged,
the mistake I’ll conceal

For the day that’s been wrecked,
the time we won’t get back,
and the ugliness unleashed
at the moment of attack

For all-
J’accuse, j’accuse, j'accuse!

J’accuse moi.



*I'd really like to turn this into a song, but it's not quite there yet....comments are always welcome*

So I should be asleep now, but I have some very nice things in my life that I feel are worth sharing (interestingly, I notice that this is the second happy entry in a row....please check outside your window for flying pigs or the apocalypse):

- I'm starting an internship tomorrow- it's not architecture, but it's related. I'm going to be designing the annual report for the transportation research center at my school; I'm not really responsible for content, I just have to make a layout that really pops.

- I finally finally FINALLY was able to partition my mac's hard drive and install windows on it. I have had so much stress and frustration b/c my computer didn't want to let me do it, but today I got it. I had to first erase my entire HD (so scary!), and then restore my user files, applications, and settings using time machine, which is an incredible program apple made to restore a hard drive if it gets erased. After that, I installed windows- I kind of screwed it up the first time, but I was able to fix it, and now it mostly works. It was having issues connecting to the internet, but whatever.....at this point, that's so minor compared to alll the crap I went through just to get windows, so I want to fix it but I'm not freaking out.

- I had the orientation for the habitat for humanity trip (to south dakota) that I'm going on in just a week and a half! The other ppl are cool, and it's a pretty diverse bunch, which is always nice. I'm shipping a box of food, so I'll have to do that REALLY soon, but I am very excited for his trip.

- I'm going out decently often and seeing a lot of my friends! I just went to the philharmonic last night, I'm having dinner w/ a H.S. friend tomorrow (yay, indian food!), and shoe-shopping w/ another one next week....and it's really nice to just spend time w/ the ppl I (unfortunately) ignore during the semester.

So overall, I'm feeling GOOOD :)

So a lot of the time I'll use this LJ to complain about my stresses, but these past few days have been good, so I figure I can also share that happy stuff.

So I recently got some fancy dresses for weddings- they're reeeally pretty. I got a summery halter, a little black dress, and a tea-length purple one. But since they're all sleeveless and low-cut, I had to find shirts for under them; so I went to queens, tried on a bunch of those Linda Leal shirts for an hour and a half, and voila! I now have three awesome dresses to wear to weddings.

Other than shopping, I'm really enoying my psych of religion class. Sadly, it's over tuesday, and I'm still looking for a job for after that. But I do have something to do for the last week in july- cause I got accepted to the Habitat for Humanity trip! Honors college may be annoying sometimes, but I'm excited to travel to South Dakota (to an Indian reservation, no less) and build stuff.

AND my friends from Israel are back! There are a couple who were there for a year and have now returned, and some who made aliyah but are visiting. So I'm gonna get to see all those awesome friends, in addition to the ones that are always in n.y. but that i just don't see during the year.

Oh! And I really like my new haircut. So overall- life is good, and I appreciate it.

So after some recent stress in my personal life, I'm questioning love and the way we relate to our friends and family. It's kind of ironic- yesterday, my psychology of religion professor asked who believed in love, and I thought kind of shyly, "well, yeah, I guess I do." Despite all the bad stuff in the world, I still believed that there's hope and value in caring for each other.

But sometimes- like right now- I see and hear things that make me doubt the value. Like when people get married, they're young and hopeful, but what happens after years go by and they have all kinds of different pressures to focus on instead of each other? When really good friends grow up and one suddenly becomes too "cool" or too ______[whatever] for the other? Or when someone you thought you were close to suddenly isn't there when you need them the most? It really sucks to navigate the world alone, but the truth is that we're human and we screw up a lot, and it's always those we care about the most that we hurt the most. Because your boss or client won't wait, you ask your family to. I will ignore, be short with, and be inattentive to my friends and family for the sake of my schoolwork, but is that okay?

And what's the cost of doing this for years on end? Focusing on all the external things that "can't" be put off makes us neglect the relationships that are most important to us. We stop communicating and connecting with each other, and then bonds weaken over time. So when something goes wrong and we're really stressed out (usually from those outside forces), the support that we need simply doesn't exist anymore because it wasn't nurtured. And that's even worse than being alone, because when you're alone you at least don't expect someone else to be there; when you neglect relationships, you have another person you're depending on for support, but the support falls short of your expectations. And what do you do once you're there?

Is is better to keep the messed-up relationship, warts and all, even though you disappoint each other? Or is it better to give yourself a clear cut choice of spending time/effort fixing the relationship or giving up and chucking it?

I don't have any deep revelation to end off with. I kind of wish I did.

So first, why technology is evil:

All I wanted to do was install boot camp (downloaded from a site that's hosting it kinda illegally, but whatever, I don't judge) and windows xp so that I could use autocad and a few other programs to do my architecture work. So what happens? In the middle of backing up my laptop to an external hard drive, the thing shuts off suddenly; I restart it only to find that it no longer recognizes my external drive. That was Tuesday afternoon/night. So then my sister copied the contents of the external HD onto her computer (which was recognizing it), and suddenly my computer recognized it again! So life was good and I was happy, but I needed a CD for boot camp, so I didn't install it yet. That was yesterday afternoon/night. So today, after getting CDs, I was finally ready to install....and my computer decides to stop recognizing my HD yet again! So I figured, you know what, all my info is on there, other computers recognize it, I'm sick of waiting- so I began to install. Turns out there's some problem on my laptop's hard drive, and it can't repair it by itself; I need the startup CD, which I don't have because stupid Honors College never gave us one! So basically, I'm powerless until school starts again. And the stuff I have spent almost 3 days on- well, that's WORTHLESS.

So, that leads into why I am stupid:

Even as I spent so much time on it, I knew it was too much time to be spending on just one thing- the thing that was the setup for the work I was planning to do, not even the work itself. So basically, by only focusing on this and not doing my other stuff, I have screwed myself over badly. I have to write a paper (for which I still majorly need sources!), do a time-consuming sketching assignment, read an annoying article, make progress on architecture (of which I have none, because I was going to do it all in AutoCAD!), and do my portfolio. Oh, and I still have no job for the summer.

So I have concluded that I am very very VERY stupid. And it sucks.